06.09.01 - 10:56 p.m.

I am a horrible bitch who deserves no happiness. I�m trying to articulate my quirks and it�s very difficult, but I have to figure out why this happens, why I do this every time.

I realize that a boy is crazy about me and we go out maybe once or twice, and after it becomes apparent that there�s a mutual attraction, I get really snippy and bitchy and don�t want to hang out with them or kiss them anymore. Attraction becomes an excuse to be mean.

Like tonight, when I made John drive me around for nearly an hour, even though I told him I was in a bad mood, and then was uncommunicative and pessimistic the entire time. Although, and this isn�t an excuse for my behavior at all, we WERE in Highland Park where I know there are lots of deer, and I did see deer road signs and started to panic a little. It�s been a while since I�ve been night driving in a place that might actually have deer.

Anyway, I feel bad. Because this is not the first time I�ve done this to someone, and it�s obviously some kind of rejection subconscious thing I�ve developed (in reaction to what, I couldn�t tell you), but it�s not a nice personality trait. I think he�s sincere, funny and a NICE BOY, but I am evil and can�t deal with it. At least he�s moving in a week and a half so I don�t really have to. Deal with it, I mean, for that long.

Plus, it really doesn�t help that he kisses like an overenthusiastic cocker spaniel.

But, moving along to nicer things.... There�s this Hennessy ad I found a long time ago that hangs on my wall, and I�m looking at it right now. I simply adore it and can�t believe someone made this perfect advertisement for a disgusting liquor that so aptly describes me. It�s a bar graph superimposed on a woman�s face, and the bar categories are: instigator � muse � daughter � klutz � accomplice � gardener � slow kisser � journalist � optimist � pessimist � flirt � insomniac

And I am each of those things, to varying degrees, and even the amounts on the bars correspond correctly. Amazing.