09.13.01 - 5:44 p.m.

The thing is, I could sit here at the computer for hours, literally hours, and be content for the entire evening, but I don't want Dan's parents thinking I'm some sort of social recluse. Whereas staring at the TV for hours watching the same sad images, the same explosions and devastation is completely normal and would make me feel soooooo much better. I'm being sarcastic.

I can't figure out if I want to stay or go, if I want to go home, if I even feel like I have a home left to go to. No, Chicago is completely fine and intact but I feel like a displaced person again. I know I'm about to leave for something, somewhere, new but I don't have it lined up yet, and though I love my little house in Lakeview I know it's only technically mine for one more week. And here is where I should be, but not really here at the house but with him, in our place or something like it at least, and I can't even be clear about it because I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I don't know if I'll get on a plane tomorrow and come back Sunday, Monday or midweek just to turn around again. I don't know if I'll stay here just to go back and move immediately. All the downtime I thought I'd have this month, all the books I bought and excursions I'd planned to make it through the boredom and the missing him, it doesn't matter anymore. Who knows when I'll have time for The Great Reorganization again? Even though I'm ok and everyone I know is ok, I just feel completely and emotionally displaced. Confused. Again.

And of course it's all about me, my whole world revolves around my little narcissistic (sp?) self, like that would ever change.