04.28.01 - 8:57 p.m.

Sitting in my room drinking by myself again, waiting for Natalie and Julia to come over. I just threw a coat of polish on my nails, which could be a problem if we have to crack open another bottle of wine. But I can open a bottle of wine and dry my nails at the same time � I am a GIRL � I can do ANYTHING.

The only reason I�m going out tonight is because I want to wear my new shoes, which I bought today as a depression present to myself. They are rather too damn expensive but match my studded black belt and have orange insides, so I do believe they were meant for me. Go here to the Banana Republic site and imagine them without the back ankle strap if you really want to know what I�m talking about. My shoes will make me feel better.

After buying the shoes, which did not cheer me up as much as I hoped, I made a big old veggie stir-fry for dinner with the thought that a real meal might do me some good. And I don�t know if this is common, because I rarely slice up bell peppers, but this is the second time I�ve found a pepper fetus inside my orange bell pepper when I cut it open. (Of course I eat orange peppers, what other color would you expect me to pick?) It was just this little round unripened baby pepper. Very disturbing. And I never know exactly how to wash broccoli, so I just hold it under running water for a while and hope for the best. Then I cut only the very tops off the broccoli since that�s the only part I really like. Fuck it, I live by myself, who else am I cooking to impress?

But none of this has worked to erase my mood, so I�m reduced to the bottle of wine again. I like the word "malaise" though. I can see its French roots � mal (bad) aise (ease) � I am bad at ease. Don�t mind me, I�m just going through post-collegiate malaise. My life has forced me into a state of malaise.

OK, now the word�s starting to look like some sort of fancy mayonnaise.