05.08.01 - 12:40 a.m.

I don�t know if I feel guilty for her death or because I don�t know how to grieve. I�m trying to write through my confusion but I don�t know where to begin. I�ve never been that close to any relatives who�ve died, even my grandfather � I was sadder for my mom than anything else that day. I think that�s what�s wrong here. I see my friends, who are so visibly shaken, and I don�t know what to say or how to help.

I feel guilty because I made light of the situation on Friday, when she was already lying in her apartment, and because we were talking about her on Sunday, about her weight problem and her earrings, and it just seems so harsh and I am such a bad person, and Shawn�s quote that I even put here in the diary, and how I hardly knew her, but obviously I did, because I AM affected.

I feel bad because we have the day off from class tomorrow, but I don�t know what anyone would do with themselves or how we�d get on with the project without feeling this big hole. I feel bad because this happened on Kayleen�s birthday, and David�s birthday, and no one should be reminded of death on their special day. I feel guilty because I feel worse about this than I did for any relative I knew. I want to get on with life. I don�t want anyone, even me, who wallows in her own depression, to be sad.

I feel bad because we went to her house, and we rang the doorbell, and she was THERE, and there was nothing we could do and no way to know. I feel bad because it�s such a loss, and she was starting something new, and I hope and know we made her happy. She was starting over.