05.15.01 (still) - 11:03 p.m.

"You have such a weird thing for cheese," Erin says to me at the bar last night. And alas, it is so true. I just finished off the Parmigiano-Reggiano and went on to cream cheese with olives on Saltines. (Do not laugh or point � I dare you to eat it and then not tell me how delicious it is.) Ugh. I was eyeing the cheddar, hoping maybe I could make some nachos, but thought better of the idea. I am a sick, sick person.

I am so antsy tonight.

I don�t know if I�m going to stay friends with the magazine kids once I�m out of here. Natalie is too self-absorbed, like me, Erin has her own thing going on, Cara�s going to Germany, Kayleen is barely my friend anymore now �

But talking to Court today made me realize one thing. No matter how many times I make an attempt at reinvention, no matter how many times I cut my hair, or buy a new pair of shoes, or believe in a �new version of you� � I�m still me. The same me. He asked what I�m doing, I�m listening to the new R.E.M. album which could have been predicted when I was dating him in 1998. I�m still damn me and although I don�t hate who I am (Mr Katimsky � "No one should hate who they are") it just disappoints me. That I can�t roll over so easily, that I have to hold on to things� I don�t even know how to explain further.

I think I need to write the big Fuck You letter. I don�t even know what I could say anymore.