07.02.01 - 11:42 p.m.

I'm watching Good Will Hunting and all the math students clapped after the lecture. Do students usually clap for their professors? At other schools or just nerdy old MIT? God knows we never did, but then again, there were usually only ten of us.

My shoulders are knots of pain, I haven't been to yoga in months, I don't have a story for tomorrow and I still can't seem to get enough sleep. But when I was giving myself a foot bath tonight I noticed I have flip-flop tan lines on my feet! And when I put my stereo on random this morning, the first two songs it played were "Simple Pages" and "Two Step." I bet it would have played "Babylon" if I'd had the CD in. Then I had to turn it off so I could dry my hair. Damn old creaky fuse boxes.

And Leanne is coming tomorrow, which could make updating a problem. I've been debating whether to tell her about this for a long time, but I just don't want to. I...I don't know, this is still my little space. I know my style has been changing, and maybe that's a growth or maybe it's because I didn't start this thing with a real purpose and it still doesn't have one, just a me space to vent my mind and a no-stress writing exercise every night.
It's just that when people actually have known and do know the real me, with my outer mannerisms and stupid fears and all, it's difficult to let go and
I don't want to be just a storyteller of my own boring days and nights. I feel I've lost sight of my hopes and goals, and I don't know how to get them back or if I ever knew what they were in the first place. I came to this supposedly great school only to realize that I don't want to be a part of this and all I want to do is sit in front of my computer, so what is wrong with me? Would it have been the same if I'd gone for my MFA? What is it I'm meant to DO?

and I'm still watching Matt Damon and massive-jawed Minnie Driver. And her Matisse "Dance" poster that Jake remembered from Margo Hobbs' art history class.