08.13.01 - 8:44 p.m.

Compulsive need to update, even without anything earth-shattering to say.

As Bassett and Rachel would say, "hoot hoot." I read your diary today and it was just a stupid phrase, "i think that if i hadn't worked with rachel today, then i would have died. she deserves an extra hooty hoot," but somehow I could hear you growing up when I read those words. They don't even mean anything particularly deep or heart-wrenching, but knowing that someone is deserving, and feeling someone's dependence on making you happy and getting you through your day, aren't things you fully understand at age fifteen. Or at least not for me, not in the same way as I do now.

I'm obsessed with the idea of being an adult, of being grown-up, like I've stepped into my mother's heels (more like her navy Dr. Scholl's clogs, eh) and one day they magically fit. I want to beat the idea of sacrifice into my head, the idea of making do, the idea that I can't buy my boyfriend $200 birthday presents because I have to think about rent and whether I will have a paycheck in a month or two.

I need a new routine, I need something new and concrete to place in the back of my brain, not some vague dreamy notion of what my life will be like soon.

I was pretty stupid in high school. I still feel pretty stupid now.