08.20.01 - 9:58 p.m.

I'm just feeling somewhat agitated this evening.

We had a job search discussion in class and it was like fucking group therapy. Led by Rejects One and Two, no less. I'm sorry, but if taking Janice and Richard's job advice means I'm going to be sitting around Medill in 20 years talking about the glory days of Britannica.com, no thanks. I'll just be a waitress until something better comes along. Oh, good advice. "Invest in yourself." What the fuck do you think I'm doing in grad school? Playing pretend? Doing it for kicks?

And when I came home Caroline was all full of questions about the house that I just didn't want to deal with. And now Dad just called and was asking more moving/job questions too, and it seems Kodi is going cuckoo for good. So maybe all that is why I don't want to write or do any more schoolwork tonight. I'm going to burst. Explode. Eclater, as they say in French with a little accent that I can't be bothered to find the function key for.

Listening to Veruca Salt on the El home made me think of two things: one, how it is very difficult to stand there seemingly bored and stone-faced when you want to just bop around and rock out in the middle of the aisle. But I don't want people to think I'm crazy like that old lady in the gold sequined baseball cap who was sitting on the floor in the middle of morning rush hour the other day. I probably am just as crazy, but I don't wear stupid hats that give it away.

And two, it's interesting and sad to hear Louise's songs against Nina's. Friend breakups are so much worse than boyfriend breakups in some ways; they can get just as petty and hurtful and in this case, it's Louise who seems the one more hurt. I'm not friends with either of them (god, I wish I were) and I don't know the truths or the particulars of why they split, but when I hear the music and look at the old pictures it just seems so sad. I listen to the layered vocals and though some songs are just as kickass as the old, I know it's not the two of them singing together and it's not the same.

All this breathing in - never breathing out