08.29.01 - 9:33 a.m.

Because last night the Travis rerun of Kilborn was on, because the Foster's "devotion" commercial played after we hung up and because I love these strange and funny little coincidences that link our lives:

Here are the outtakes, the b-sides, the unreleased material of My Love For You.

06.15.01
Returning from a thoroughly unsatisfying evening out, wearing the favorite shoes, and I heard Travis coming from my dad's hotel room television. I ran to turn on CBS and it was the best part of my night and you were the first person I wanted to call. I sat and watched Fran with his swampman mohawk, and thought about how our lives are slowly becoming intertwined.

06.25.01
I have a problem. I have a dream. I think about it walking down the street, on the El. I sit in class, wanting to be kissed, waiting to be kissed by you.

You walk through the doorway at the airport. You walk over to me. You pull me close, my arms around your neck, and you inhale my perfume, fingers sliding across the fabric of my dress. We stare, and we can't stop kissing.

It's the scariest thing in the world to think this; you are a faceless blur, someone I don't really know and am not allowed to believe in. You exist, but only as the good things and the hopeful, as the person I'd like to sit with on New York City balconies, to wrap me in blankets on cold beach nights, to fall asleep with after a long drive home.

I'm almost afraid to see a picture of you. I want it to be too late, I want to be too taken in by your words and voice to care. I want to fall in love with your insides, like Michael in Microserfs, to be too deeply wrapped up in you for anything else to matter.

06.28.01
I hate you. And I hate you because I can't even get on the internet and irrationally bitch about you. You're infiltrating my entire existence and I can't control you and it's driving me INSANE.

06.30.01
Because I feel cold and alone, and if you kiss me suddenly everything will be better, and I know that's just not true.

07.08.01
I hear "Babylon" and without trying, without warning, you flash into my head. Pavlovian response, unconscious wish. I read your diary and I want it to be me, want it to be me holding your hand and holding you close on all your vacations and travels. The most...the....it's beyond articulation and if you ever found out about what I feel I would die. After my cool front, after so long, what's going to happen in two weeks? TWO WEEKS! I don't even know what to feel about it anymore.

We are together, we're the same, I feel you and I want to be with you and I don't know what's going on or how I will be able to deal with this. I need you, I need to be the one in your life.

07.16.01
I am fucking i Dont know, all I want to do is talk to you when I get home, you are the last thing I want to hear when I'm falling asleep and I'm afraid of what's going to happen in the next week and next Sunday night will I be crying on someone's couch, just waiting to board the plane so this can all be over, or will I be with you, sighing because I don't want it to end and I just want to stay for always?

07.27.01
You give me a sense of purpose in life. I'm ready to move to New York, to sell my car, to spend insane amounts of money just to be with you. You move me, motivate me, reduce me to tears daily, are reducing me to tears right now.

You ARE the one who makes me forget all the others, more than number five with a bullet, you are it, you're everything. I love you, I'm ready for you, I can't even form complete sentences or thoughts when I think of you anymore. A month ago, I made the choice. I knew. And now, it's all true and the only problem I have is missing you so much there's actual pain in my chest.

Can this all happen so quickly? Can I be so sure, so soon? And there's some drunk guy Caroline brought home singing "Please Forgive Me" in my living room, so I know that whenever I ask a question like that, fate or coincidence will find some way to answer me. You are lightning running through my veins, you are the last thing I hear when I'm falling asleep and the first thing I think of (coherently) every day. I am yours, you are mine. We are each other.

08.01.01
I keep haunting myself with my past failures and bad, rash decisions - all to love and be loved. I've cheated, been cheated on, spent nights in screaming matches so bad I'm still embarrassed of what my hallmates thought of me.

I've been a bad girlfriend in many ways, but I've been a good girlfriend in so many, many more. And I try not to let my past get in the way, and to hear you say you don't care is wonderful and amazing and hopeful, because I try not to care and I've tried so many times, and now all I want to do is try for you because I know you'll equal anything I give.

And for me, you are the one who makes me forget - well, it's impossible to ever completely forget, too many shared experiences, memories and moments for that - but I would never wish for a minute that I wasn't where I am now, here, with you.