11.13.01 - 2:30 p.m.

I feel over-solicitous here, like I try too hard, act too friendly and ask too many questions - but not the right ones. I don't know who works where, or their job titles, or even what name goes with what face. I can't afford to order in for lunch every day like everyone else and sometimes I forget to ask for the spelling of names. I don't need to play dumb, it seems I really am a stupid temp.

I shouldn't try to be funny, I should just sit here meek and quiet, because really who cares what these people think of me? I'm sure I really am invisible to them. Interchangeable. I will be out of here in a week anyway.

Oh poor me. I complain about my highly-unimportant-in-the-entire-scheme-of-things job just because it isn't one that commands RESPECT while other people are going down in flames. Literally. My life could be so much worse. My parents could stop funding me altogether instead of letting me drown in this horrible economy. (Well, then again, maybe someone should have told me not to go to grad school and find a job, any job, instead - but then sometimes I think my master's degree is the only thing that's landed my my THREE MEASLY INTERVIEWS - but then this is an argument that could go around in circles forever and often does, in my head, at 3 in the morning.)

And yet, I'm GOOD, dammit! I remember extension numbers almost instantly, memorize new phone systems almost as well, and once I do put a name with a face, I don't forget it. I have been an admin. assistant for almost eight years total and I can really DO this stuff. It pisses me off when people don't believe in my abilities, simple as they are. It's just that I hate being treated as less than equal. You wouldn't be able to screen your calls without me, buddy.

I am simply unnerved and have this habit of wanting to please everyone, as un-New York as that may be, and worried I will never find my place in this world. Not that I have to find it at age 23 but it would be nice. To at least have a desk of my own where I can eat lunch.

More to come, I'm sure, as I sit here stewing in my own uselessness....