01.09.02 - 4:48 p.m.

Sigh. Things are just not moving well today. I could barely bring myself to leave Dan all sleeping and snuggly and Dan-like in my bed this morning and have been rather sluggish and mopey all day. Whether this is a direct result of Dan withdrawal, I'm not sure, but I did almost cry this morning over the separated lovers Lauren and Michel in Days Between Stations.

Did I just punctuate that last sentence like a Chronology question? Yes, I believe I did.

I am not cut out to be an extemporaneous speaker. I have a difficult time articulating on the spot why I like something, but if you give me time to write it down, I'll be fine. More than fine, I'll be great, really. I guess that's why I chose the educational path I did, but look where it got me. Anyway. I say this because everyone here seems to be wonderful at spouting off their opinions that they can back up with evidence and examples of why they feel that way, but when Jack starts dissing Weezer and saying why, all I can do is be like, "yeah, but I like them. They're nice, durrrrr." I have reasons for my actions! Where are they?

And Evan wants "the old Casey back." He asked me if I had a hard time admitting when I was sick (and I do - it's a part of my nerdiness that's been with me ever since I was afraid to miss school) because he thinks I still have a cold or whatever bug was dragging me down on Monday. But that's not really it. Carey and I were talking on IM this morning about how there are days where you've either 'got it' or you don't, and neither of us have felt like we've 'had it' since the new year began. Oh, yeeps. I don't know how to give him the old Casey back! I don't know what's going to get me out of this little funk - maybe I need a real, long-term pick me up because I feel I've been making do with small pick-me-ups for a while, or maybe it's just my continual adjustment to my non-student life that's getting me down.

Carey did make the point that deciding to take this job here was a big step in making-do, and that could be what's getting me down. I'm taking it so I can pay some bills, and then every day I see people jetting off to LA on a whim or just ordering whatever food they want instead of eating crummy leftovers, and it really gets to me. I hate it being a case of the haves and the have-nots.

And I don't want to go drinking again tonight because every beer I buy just reminds me of my financial situation and how I don't HAVE the money to be doing things like that, but how can I completely ignore my friends and become a social hermit? It's not like people make house calls to Jersey City. Even though I don't really WANT to hang out with these guys - it'll be like freshman year rehash and I don't particularly care to remember a lot of that period. But due to my promise not to let old friends drop by the wayside, I will go. And probably end up having a good time, like I always do.

Dan worries about my poor stomach when it is paining me and goes to get me glasses of water and Carmex when it has confined me to the bed. He willingly watches Gilmore Girls with me and brings me the I Am Sam soundtrack for no reason at all. I write these things down because I like to remember all the silly reasons I love him, not just the obvious ones. I write them down to remember why I shouldn't yell at him when he makes me walk around the apartment building at night shouting his name, even if he did ASK me to go down there and let him in. I struggle to refrain from equating this with Sunday's Sex and the City, because I don't think I'm as unrelenting as Carrie, but I always feel remorse for taking my bad days out on my wonderful wonderful guy. Hee. I am such the sap.