05.14.02 - 7:10 p.m.

I hadn't read the first season recaps before today and was surprised - though not shocked - to read that someone else saw the comparisons between Felicity and My So-Called Life. Felicity Porter and Angela Chase are both introspective, sensitive girls with overbearing parents (although in this case, Mr. Porter is SO Patty). Ben Covington is Jordan Catalano, the bad boy our heroine likes against her better judgement; Noel Crane is nerdy Brian Krakow, who pines away for Felicity/Angela. (Remember when Noel was all nerdy instead of just being depressed?) Meghan is Rayanne Graff, the crazy friend, while Elena is Sharon Cherski, the dependable one. And of course, Javier is Rickie. Of COURSE he is.

This doesn't make complete sense, and gets a little confusing when you remember that Devon Gummersall played a very un-Brian-like character on Felicity, but the basic premise is there. What if Angela made it the whole way through high school? What if she graduated (and because it's highly doubtful that Jordan and she would attend the same college), left Jordan in Pittsburgh and went off to bigger and better things in New York, only to fall into the same patterns? It could happen.

Sadly, there is no counterpart to Danielle on Felicity unless you count Richard. Hee.

So is it true that I have to stay in New York or perish, like Noel said to Felicity? I don't think I can take this job much longer. I can't even be motivated to do the few and piddly things that are required of me. Will I be a failure if I leave? I think magazines are really what I am meant to be doing right now, I really do, but how long can I hold out until I finally get my break? What if I don't get this magazine job?

When I was at the interview, one of the women who talked to me said that it seemed like I'd been finding a niche, learning from it, and moving on. My whole life has been about trying something out and abandoning it. I want to be serious about something. I want them to know I'm serious about working there. I'm ready for a frickin' career path, but I don't think it's meant to be here at SD-6. New York, maybe, but not here. Obviously I'm not development material. I don't want it enough, they can see it in my face.

I am too honest. I let things affect me. People see this. I can't lie to save my life when it matters, pretend I want something when I don't, sell myself to people who for all intents and purposes SHOULD hire me. Why will no one hire me? I firmly believe I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't temped first. Am I a blabbering idiot? Am I no more articulate in person than I am in this diary? Do I need public speaking lessons? Or maybe a good swift kick in the pants?

I am only good on paper. I am only good at getting into schools and writing nice little academic things. Cue the smallest violin. Maybe there's a reason behind all this, maybe I'm not meant to be at a magazine just yet. They fired Bob Love and I interviewed to be his assistant - God's way of saying it wasn't meant to be?