09.11.02 - 5:22 p.m.

Everyone's kind of a mess today and no one really wants to talk about it. I didn't want to walk away from Dan on the street this morning. I couldn't listen to the radio in the car. I had to put on Ladytron, anything completely opposite of what I was thinking.

The TV was on Fox when I turned it on. Before I could flip to the Powerpuff Girls, I caught a split-second of a clip, an image of a plane and a woman asking, "Is that one of ours?" I turned the channel. If it was in fact new news and something was happening again, I didn't want to know.

I refuse to deal. If I think too long, I can't do my work. And if I ignore it, it isn't there.

There are things I want to say that I still can't put into words.

Got a copy of In the Bedroom to watch tonight or the next. Depressing, but not depressing in THAT way.

I woke up with a headache. I'm clenching my teeth when I sleep, when I'm awake, when I'm not thinking about anything at all. My gums were throbbing last night.

Everyone is very very quiet around the office. I'd feel better if people would just act normal, but not everyone has the same coping mechanisms as me. So I must sit here, soaking up all the melancholy in the air.

People are getting louder. Having more conversations. I can tell I'm feeling better because I'm speaking in longer sentences. I left this page open on my computer all day so I could compile as the day progressed. My gums are throbbing less. I think I may have been internalizing my stress about the day and focusing it all on apartment-finding instead. I had no idea I'd feel so horrible this morning. I really didn't think it would take this much out of me. But it did.

I'm still not going to watch TV tonight. Maybe In the Bedroom, maybe not, but definitely something other than network news. Maybe Annie.

Oh, and in case anyone's keeping track, I'm wearing orange, white and blue. And camo khaki green.