11.21.02 - 7:55 p.m.

So let me tell my side of the squirrel story, since Dan makes it out to be nothing big but I seriously thought I might have to maul some rodents with a Swiffer this morning.

I got out of the Unintentional Massage Shower this morning, as I always do, wandered into the second bedroom, as I always do, and heard noises coming from the kitchen, as I usually do not do in the morning.

(Let me interrupt here to say, in case I haven't mentioned it earlier, that a family of squirrels has been living in the walls of the house pretty much since we moved in. I was convinced that they had taken up residence in the wall behind our stove, since I'd been hearing various rodentlike scritchy sounds coming from the wall every night. Above our stove is the exhaust fan, whose vent and pipe go through a cabinet above it and presumably outside. There's a hole around the vent pipe through the top of the cabinet - a hole big enough for an animal to get through. Imagine my fear.)

So now that I've set this pretty picture up for you, imagine my GREATER fear at hearing LOUD, ANGRY noises coming from the kitchen at 7:30 am. It was either Dan doing something, some other man-type thing doing something, or most likely the squirrel finally making it into the cabinet and searching for chips or some vengeance.

I put on a robe. I walked quietly out into the kitchen. The noise stopped. I walked back to the bedroom. It began again. I woke Dan. He rolled over. I decided to ignore the noises, make breakfast, and was standing in front of the stove, ready to cook my eggs, when the creature started going NUTS. I thought the cabinet doors were going to fly off their hinges. Imagine five pounds of angry squirrel coming straight for my face. I summoned Dan in no uncertain terms to come hear the noise. It made noise. We watched the cabinet. It made noise some more. Suddenly, Dan saw a bird come flying parallel to the house (outside, thank god) and land on our kitchen windowsill. (I didn't see it; I was watching the cabinet.) The noise stopped.

The bird DID chirp a hearty "fuck you" to us - Dan was right about that - and flew away. What brilliant deduction! I was still incensed, but much relieved, that our newest roommate had feathers and not fur. It is much easier to banish a bird from the premises than it is to smoke out a squirrel.

So I went about cooking my breakfast, turning the exhaust fan on for a while to piss off Se�or Chirpy, and feeling rather vindicated about my paranoia. But I kept the tape over the cabinet doors. Just in case.