08.29.03 - 12:18 p.m.

Brief review of the VMAs that I should have done as I watched last night, but A) I was trying to get myself drunk because B) I was depressed that I wasn't sitting in the audience like last year. Kerry, you should have stolen those tickets! They were in your hand! What was Jonathan going to do, FIRE YOU?

Anyway. Britney. Yawn. Nice porn kiss. Nice that they didn't even SHOW Madge kissing Christina because they were too busy getting a non-reaction shot from Justin. Way to get those sloppy seconds there, Christina. Please note the silence from the crowd during every pseudo-climactic moment...until Missy Elliott hopped on stage. Only then do we see any semblance of audience excitement (save the Queer Eye guys, bless their hearts, singing along to every word.)

Best audience reaction to the stunt? Mary J, sitting behind Mr. Timberlake, watching the train wreck on the stage with an expression of "...the fuck ever, girlfriend. This is some desperate shit."

Most of the people in the pit couldn't recognize "Hungry Like the Wolf" as a Duran Duran song if it bit them on the ass. Kelly Osbourne is a twit. And Avril Lavigne? Does it hurt to be nominated in the "best pop video" category? Or have you come to your senses and accepted your place in the pop tart pantheon? Apparently so, judging from your exposed hipbones (above pink-edged pants, no less) and your willingness to be seen with Mademoiselle O.

Poor Johnny Cash. Shut out of all the major awards and reduced to getting shout-outs from Justin Timberlake and, um, Snoop Dogg. The Kurt Loder "retrospective" clip right before the show was nice, but too little, too late, I think. I have seen "Hurt" on MTV2 - once - but highly doubt it even hit actual MTV airwaves except between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m.

Metallica. Are they even part of the MTV demographic anymore? I enjoyed their medley but detected a lack of enthusiasm for "Frantic." Should have done more medley and less original stuff. I would have enjoyed hearing them do some Billy Idol.

Ben Stiller is just as tall as Drew Barrymore in heels. Hee.

Beyonce? How DID you keep that top on? Where was the double-stick tape?

And speaking of non-existent tops, um, Vivica? Way to look like Generic Ho #2. You are way too pretty to be hanging off 50 Cent's arm. I swear, when I saw you two first walk down the red carpet, I thought he was arriving with Lil' Kim. And that's not a compliment. Get yourself some Pharrell. He looked much more adorable in his little striped button-down and blazer.

Warren Cheswick is in a Pepsi Vanilla commercial.

I think that's it.