1.14.01 - 5:15pm

OK, I'm sure I just freaked a few people out by emailing them with interview requests for my story, but I couldn't think of a better way to do it. Anonymity is a big part of this diaryland thing - it's one of the reasons I like it, to get stuff out and off my chest without having to own it or stamp it as mine, while sharing the feelings that haunt me so often with others.

But now I feel bad and guilty for breaking into others' lives, like maybe I've destroyed their security by asking them to analyze what makes them do this in the first place. I can't even answer the questions I posed to them, really, although now I feel I should try...

Why did you get involved with an online diary?

My sister got me involved. I started reading hers and then one night I just felt so bad about myself and needed to post it in a semi-public forum. Part group therapy and part voyeurism.

What are its perks / drawbacks as opposed to a pen and paper diary?

I like getting reactions to what I've written and felt, even if it's just someone saying they like the new David Gray song or kitchen scrubbies too. Yet I don't feel it's as permanent a form of expression as my notebook diaries, which I've kept from high school to now. I look back on them for self-analysis and inspiration, and I don't think it's as easy to do that here.

Do you get a therapeutic / cathartic reaction from posting in the diary?

Kind of already answered - but I do feel as if someone's listening to me when I write in here, as opposed to knowing it'll only be me looking through my notebooks three years later. Even if no one actually reads my page, who am I to know? I feel like I've ejected my bad thoughts into the stratosphere, like a piece of spacce junk or something that I don't have to worry about anymore.

Is the anonymity an important factor?

YES. I haven't even told my best friends what my diaryland name is. I know some people (my sister included) use this to keep up with what all her friends are doing, but I would rather be a faceless ___.

How honest are you when you post in your diary?

Very honest. Since I take great pains to keep my site private, there are no feelings to hurt by writing the truth. I also think it's good to articulate my problems - by doing so, the solution is sometimes clearer.

How long do you think you�ll continue to write in your diary?

I really have no idea. I've been keeping notebook diaries for so long that this should continue for a while, but the nonpermanence of this medium is somewhat of an issue. If I find I'm losing track of my thoughts by keeping it this way, I'll just print everything out and revert to pen and paper.

Do you read other diary entries on the site?

Yes. It's something of an affirmation to peek into others' lives and see that we're all struggling with something.

Have you connected with any other diarist as a result of the site?

Not yet...I feel too intrusive doing that (witness my mortification at having to contact them for a STORY)

All right. Probably not as complete as I'd want from someone else answering the questions, but I can't quote myself in the article so who cares?

Oh - and if anyone reading this would like to give me their take on the online diary thing, please feel free to sign the guestbook or email me...

How can he not see that I am not a happy person? How can he just ignore my depression - doesn't he realize that it's my shopping that compensates for the emptiness?