03.20.01 - 9:04pm

I want to write about my trip but I can't. I'm blocked inside - not writer's block, but life block, like Ed Norton in Fight Club where he needs to cry so he can go to sleep. Except that maybe I need to sleep so I can cry.

But I will tell one story.

It was overcast on Sunday so we decided to drive to the Gulf from Orlando, which was only like an hour & a half or two hours the way I drive. We ended up in Clearwater (yes Dan, I am stalking you) and it was still overcast there but we went to chill on the beach anyway.

I had packed a big bag o' sandwiches so we wouldn't have to buy disgusting beach food, but the instant we all unwrapped our bundles of tasty goodness, EVERY SINGLE SEAGULL ON THE BEACH flapped over to us, swooping and circling in a very scary way. Apparently I screamed like a girl, which I am, so that makes sense. It was terrifying, I felt like I was in Hitchcock's The Birds, but when I tried to run away, the damn birds FOLLOWED ME. So here I am, flailing around on the sand, and no one around us is even batting an eye. I guess seagulls attack unsuspecting beachgoers all the time.

The birds eventually quit divebombing us and thought it would be best to keep a watchful ring all around us, like beady little sentries in case we should open up a sandwich again. We sat there frozen for 10 minutes while the birds stood like an army circling its defeated prey. Luckily a woman a few towels down opened some food and the birds flew off to torment her.

But oh, my story does not end here. Those birds were so smart, they would send a little ugly emissary over once in a while to check on us, until I would shout "GO AWAY GO AWAY!" and it would back up a few steps. And then send another, fatter bird over to watch us.

Suddenly Acire screams, "They got a bag!" We look to the other woman's towel, and the birds are going crazy, dragging a plastic sandwich bag out of her beach tote, fighting and ripping it apart. That was it. We grabbed our stuff, ran the hell out of there, and ate our sandwiches in the car.

That was my most memorable experience in Florida.