03.12.01 - 5pm

Happy birthday, Jack. "Bee - why you starin' at me? I'm not a flower!"

Cara and Kayleen are worried about me because I haven't been acting myself lately. Yeah, I'm aware of this. It's just too bad that I can't figure out what's wrong with me, why I feel like crying all the time, why I don't even feel like going on vacation if it means I have to plan everything out in a dad-like way. And why do I suddenly get double chins when someone takes a picture of me? They're not visible when I look in the mirror. Are they like scary frog gill pockets that are stimulated by a camera flash? Someone explain this to me.

But yeah, I feel crappy all the time (crappy, what a nondescriptive adjective. How about blah? How about the mean reds?). I'm paranoid about Jason, I'm worried about my staff position for the project, I...isn't that enough for right now? I want to be design director even though I'm not sure I can handle all the decision-making power, but if simply being a staff member means Rachel is my boss, then I'll fight all the way. Rachel. Is a big problem. I just can't be comfortable around her anymore, like she knows something I don't and is waiting to spring it on me. I'm afraid if I end up not dating Jason, then I'll lose face and look like naive, like I've been used. And I feel... just stupid. Stupid all the time, like I have no reason or motivation to be here anymore, and I need to hide it so I look ready to take on the big project and get the job I want and I just want to hide in my damn bed and not leave and I am ready to explode.

And now I have to go to Florida with Rachel's anal stressed-out overworried best friend and my own post-suicidal best friend. So this is going to be fabulous.

"'Come on up,' she called, 'I'm making hot chocolate.' So I went up and there she was, the girl with the pure and innocent dear eyes that I had always searched for and for so long. We agreed to love each other madly." - On the Road