06.30.01 - 7:46 p.m.

If you happen to be attending any of the popular outdoor festivals across our great land this summer, you should know that there�s more involved than Lynyrd Skynyrd cover bands and meats on a stick. What you wear to these events is crucial and can make or break your chances of hooking up with that hottie from the Hickory Smoked Turkey Legs booth. Here, a quick rundown of how to be Best-Dressed at the Fest.

MEN:

First, choose your favorite shirt that has a beer, Hooters or Harley logo. If it�s a wife-beater tank with wide armholes and a low neck that lets your manly chest hair poke through, even better. Bonus points for a gold chain nestled in that hair. You don�t actually have to wear this shirt, though; in fact, you should tuck it into the waist of your jean shorts (any kind of denim, either hanging down to your knees or cut to the thighs if you�re an exhibitionist bodybuilder). Then let all eyes gaze on the large skull or eagle-related tattoo on your bicep. Black socks are acceptable as long as you�ve got some hiking or combat boots on your feet. None of that fratty New Balance shit. And the crowning glory to your summer look is always, always the mullet. Nothing says "I�m a man" like a greasy, thinning mat of hair stuck to your neck. Don�t leave home without it.

WOMEN:

In contrast to the men, who can rock the leather, black jeans and cowboy boots look if they feel so inclined, a woman�s clothing philosophy is "less is more." Bikini tops are the best way to go, especially if you leave the G-string bottoms peeking out of your Daisy Dukes. But if you�re not ready to show so much skin, it�s perfectly fine to wear overalls with your bikini, or any top that highlights your cleavage � saggy though it may be. And mall hair circa 1985 is the perfect mullet counterpart. Be sure to feather it, and don�t worry about those dark roots. They go so well with the bleached blonde. As for shoes, anything with a chunky heel and highly involved straps looks great, although the more daring can wear white leather cowboy boots. All the guys will be looking at your tits anyway.

Oh, and girls? No one said tattoos were just for the guys. Don�t be afraid to ink yourself with tribal armbands, giant rose vines, or the ever-stylish crawling panther on your leg.

There, you look fabulous. Now chug that can of Beast and wipe the barbecue sauce off your chin.