07.25.01 - 9:27 p.m.

People who don�t trust my judgment, people who don�t put any faith in me, and I don�t even put any faith in myself. I don�t know what I want or what I need, and even the SimplyCity quiz tells me I have sagging self-esteem. "While to the outside world you may appear confident, it should come as no surprise to you that inwardly you lack self-esteem," it says. No, it�s no surprise, and I wouldn�t be surprised if that applied to 90% of the population. Who doesn�t feel good enough at least once a day?

But then it goes on. "This self-imposed pressure inevitably leaves you feeling dissatisfied with yourself. Since you�re hardly ever happy with your personal performance, you drive yourself relentlessly, motivated by a need to accomplish everything in order not to be a complete failure. Also, you tend to make statements like �I�m worthless� or �I�ll never succeed,� which eat away at your self-esteem."

Well, color me self-defeatist. I don�t think I want to work for this magazine editorially anymore. Then again, Mademoiselle made the list out of sheer desperation. Can�t someone just pay me to watch TV and make witty commentary? Sort of like the MST3K of the WB or something?

Maybe I should just listen to less Radiohead, eat fewer Cheez-its and not feel guilty for doing things that make me happy. Maybe I should just not assume that everyone is judging me and that I�ll fail before I even begin. I pretend that nothing is a big deal when really I�m hyperventilating and overreacting inside, and end up miscommunicating to the world. Take it bird by bird, one thing at a time, one letter down, many more to go. Do what�s easiest first and work my way up.

Love me as well as you know � and everything else will follow