04.24.02 - 7:09 p.m.

I'm just resentful about having to live so far away from the action, and the prospect of living even further away from it is equal to failure in my eyes. I don't want to be stuck in Jersey because then I feel like I'll never get out. I don't want to sign another lease on this side of the river, putting it off for another year.

I'm scared that I have no friends because of my job, my paycheck, my commute; I feel like I make no attempt to connect with anyone because I either can't afford to, don't have time to or am trying to seize a moment of time to do something meaningful with Dan.

I hate it because I'm so self-involved, and starting to resent Dan for all of this, and I can't FUCKING CONCENTRATE in this office that is sucking the living soul right out of me.

Living with Nuts 1 and 2 this summer would be difficult, no question. I wouldn't have a car, the bus would be my sole means of transportation, and I am completely sick of schlepping my stuff around and having strangers use my things. Control freaks don't like to live with other control freaks; I wouldn't have been able to live with Caroline any longer than I did. And control freaks don't like to live with freaks in general.

The only bonus is the money I'd save - which, don't get me wrong, is a HUGE selling point - but it doesn't seem like enough of a reason and enough to keep me well-balanced and happy. My space makes me happy. Feeling cramped and trapped when I come home from an unfulfilling, devaluing job does not.

I am a baby. I am completely selfish. There is no good way out of this. But I still feel like I'm in the right here.

There are ways to get subletters. There are ways to get your security deposit. There is, unfortunately, no way to magically get a new job.