05.01.02 - 7:22 p.m.

"She's a woman of few words."
-Dad, about Bass

It is May. I've been doing a lot of thinking about last year, about what I was doing at this time back then. Jason was leaving for Minneapolis, Ginny was dying unexpectedly (not suddenly - even in death, we must be grammatically correct), I was popping tires on my car and sliding quickly into debt.

Since I tend to live in the past, this is really no surprise, but I wonder why I'm thinking so much about what was a really low point in my life. I was really sad back then, and though I have good days and bad now, I'm not remotely as depressed as I was a year ago.

Part of me wishes I wrote more about what went on between Jason and me - trying to remember how I felt and why, and what we did together and whether it was as pointless as it seems now. I was afraid of Rachel, and maybe creating something in my mind that didn't exist in real life, and also not wanting Dan to read what was going on. Which is why so much of it is in book quotes and stupid things that don't really explain whatever kind of relationship we had.

Even now, a year later, I don't know how to categorize what happened with us. It was brief; a little under three months, from Valentine's Day to the first week of May. We didn't really go too many places: a few movies, walks downtown, to a bar once in a while. I was working 12-hour days on the magazine project and was so tired all the time. Mostly I'd go down to his place on Sheffield and sleep there, watch TV. He had such a nice place, which I guess happens if you work for the Williams-Sonoma company. I wouldn't let him buy me a birthday present, being a bitch as usual.

I could think about this all night, about the color of his living room walls his black Saab and the incredibly ugly PURPLE shirt he gave me, but none of it makes any difference. It still hurt. He still went off to Minnesota. And I'm still in a better place now, I somehow knew that back then, so why do I dwell?

Oh, but the Howie show. Was so good. Was everything it always is, with one notable exception. I noticed a major decrease in between-song banter, almost to the point where there was none at all. And...that's just not like him. I knew all the songs, he did all the old faves like "My Heart Will Go On" and threw in a little "One" during "She Says," but was so quiet the whole time. I miss silly Howie. I think it was a huge selling point for him.

Stupid major label. I guess everyone has to grow up sometime.

But I reread my Howie article after the show, and you know, it's still pretty damn good. A lot of his charm is dependent on his humor, though. I think he should keep it around.