11.15.02 - 5:21 p.m.

Requisite celeb sightings from Wednesday night's Crate and Barrel party: Colin Cowie, Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces and, inexplicably, Patricia Field. Maybe she's planning on matching metal tables with floral dinnerware or some other unseemly thing for the next season of SATC. Come to think of it, it looked like she was WEARING metal tables and floral dinnerware. And we were not surprised.

An aging, suited businessman knocked over a cordial glass and then attempted to blame it on me while also attempting to flirt with me by discussing my pointy shoes. Um, dude? I could kill you with my pointy shoes. They even have buckles. Don't try it. We wandered upstairs through the hordes of beautiful people and discovered the pasta and cheese buffet. Seriously. Two large tables of pasta, two large tables of cheese, prosciutto and olives. What they expected the beautiful people to eat, I have no idea. But Kerry and I found ourselves a couch and snarfed away.

I always identify with the help at these type of functions. I'm always friendly, saying "please" and "thank you," chatting with them as they bring me endless rounds of duck spring rolls with green apple butter because I feel more on their level, a stowaway on the ship of privilege. Even if I had all the Gucci in the world I'd probably feel that way.

So I ate the food, made sure the store was well-stocked with The Best Corkscrew in the World, and caught the 9:45 BUS TO HELL. I really hate the new bus I have to ride. Never thought I'd actually prefer one line to another, or even prefer the River Road trip, but this is so much worse.

I also VOLUNTARILY REFUSED the goodie bag because it was a cocktail shaker, the selfsame cocktail shaker I bought at the Short Hills Crate and Barrel in 1999, and there's really no need for two of them in our household. Unless Dan starts drinking his beers shaken, not stirred. Oh, if only I'd waited three years, I could have saved $24.95. Plus tax.

Oh, and green apple butter? Is made from green apples. It is not actually green. In case you needed to know.